Round 1

Various Anime Foul Language

Page Written by Kalliel


The contestants departed the ice breaker cocktail party and retired to their rooms. Today, they ate a hearty breakfast of Cheeri-O's and Quaker Oats Squares and filed into the stadium! (What stadium, you say? The Pickle stadium. It's inflatable, so save space during the off-season.) Who will advance to the next round, and who will shamefully lose the very first fight? Wait and see... Ready, fight!

Please keep in mind that losers still have a chance at advancing if they are selected for the wild card. Apologies for short, lame battles. But fifteen is a bit much to write out in detail.

Envy vs. Kagome

Ok, the announcer was late to this battle, so we didn't get video coverage. The fight was pretty much: Envy transformed into Kikyou and taunted Kagome, and Kagome was confused. Envy kicked her out of bounds, so Envy won by default. The end. Yes, very boring. Now, onto Sesshoumaru vs. Tohru!

Sesshoumaru vs. Tohru

The match starts at an unusually slow pace... Red, Tohru Honda, skitters onto the area with a flustered, nervous appearance. Blue, Sesshoumaru, is also slow to come out, walking sedately...and very... very... slowly... Neither opponent appears to have much in the way of agility or reflexes; this could come down to who is able to land the stronger hit faster!

Tohru: You must be Sesshoumaru. Good morning! I'm Tohru Honda...desu.

Sesshoumaru: Desu?

Tohru: It's polite!

Sesshoumaru: Stop reading bad fan fiction.

Tohru: Uh, okay! I'm so sorry! Desu?

Sesshoumaru: ...

The contestants seem to be exchanging...pleasantries?

Sesshoumaru: Die.

Tohru: Eep! No, wait! Please!

Oh, and Blue displays outstanding speed and begins the fight with a classy claw sweep! Look at that blood flow! Whoo-ee!

Kyou: What does that guy think he's doing? You're not allowed to kill in round one! Lemee at 'im!!!

Kurama: It seems that that would be considered a foul...

Oh, yes. Foul! Killing has been prohibited from round 1! Please exit the area and await further instruction, Sesshoumaru. Match goes to Miss Tohru Honda!

Kyou: And how is she supposed to move on, then?!

Goku: By using these handy Dragonballs! You can wish someone back to life easily! Aren't you glad a brought 'em?

Kikyou and Edward Elric: WTF?! You can't wish someone back to life!

[Tohru is revived]

Lust: Holy crap.

And Tohru is back in the game! How are you feeling? (puts microphone up to Tohru's mouth)

Tohru: I-I'm fine! I'm okay! @_@ I just bumped into something! No need to worry about me! @_@ Desu.

Sailor Moon: Wow...desu. It's addicting... It reminds me of this one guy in a manga I read...no da?

Kenshin vs. Kurama

Kenshin wins. I don't care how. He used the Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu something or other. The end. Kurama is down for the count. This round was a piece of cake for the Ken-ster, as his vow not to kill finally came in handy! While others work hard to limit their strength just below killing level, Kenshin does it automatically!

Kaoru: The...Ken-ster?

Kouga vs. Sakura

Here we have Kouga, the leader of the wolf demon tribe, and Sakura, the Master of the Clow! Kouga's specialty lies in the intense loyalty to his own kind (which does him no good in this battle anyhow) and the two Shikon shards that are in his legs, giving his already strong demonic powers an extra boost! Watch out for his speed and leg power, Sakura!

Kouga: Yeah!

And Sakura hails from a middle school in a distant land called Japan! She started mastering the clow cards during special circumstances that won't be described here, and has since made friends with all of the cards, converting them to 'Sakura cards' (or so the script says...) With power of the elements, emotions, and even with the aid of Keroberos and...that other guy...Yue, perhaps? Young Sakura is a force to be reckoned with on her own!

Inuyasha: If the useless wolf loses to the girl, Kagome, you have to promise me that I can kill him when we get home and put an end to his shameful existence.

Kagome: No way! Besides, Kouga's not going to lose! It's you I'd be worrying about.

Inuyasha: Are you saying he's stronger than me?!

Kagome: Hello? You're fighting Goku, the champion of the universe, ultimate super seiyan et cetera!!!!

Inuyasha: ...What's all that supposed to mean?

Yugi: You're right. He's doomed. I've played that video game, and Goku PWNs.

Kouga: Hey! I'm the main attraction here, got it? Dog-turd and orange-suit guy can dish it out to eachother later.

Oh, and Kouga races toward Sakura with god-like speed! No, nevermind. That's Kenshin. Kouga races toward Sakura with demonic speed! Sakura barely has time to react, but she manages to block it with that pink bird staff of hers!

Li: You don't know anything about the Cardcaptor series, do you.

Hey now, I kinda do. But that's beside the point! Kouga follows his punch with a rolling tackle and a spin kick! Sakura is swept off her feet, but she pulls out a card! It's Windy! And Kouga is blown back by the force of Windy! What's this? The wind is continuing! Something is giving Windy more power! A tornado has spring up! Multiple tornados! And Kouga is blown out of this competition!

Sakura: *beams at Li before turning to announced* I thought I was going to die, but Windy pulled through!

Kagura: Gee, it's a bit drafty in here... *looks around innocently and whistles equally innocently*

Ed: Heeey, you cheated!

Kagura: Shut it, boy. So what if I did? That stupid Kouga has no right to--grr. Your the one who's brother is going up against Naraku, right? Lemmee tell you something...

Ed: I'm listening...*conversation deteriorates into whispers*

Sango vs. Aoshi

The announcer took a potty break, so he only captured the last few minutes of the fight. Apparently, for the first and second halfs, it was a 0-0 tie. Then, they went into two ten minute overtimes, and even a series of shootouts! The only thing left to decide the winner is...a coin toss?

Yugi: What are they playing, soccer?

Kagome: I guess so... C'mon, Sango! You can do it! Score that goal! Though I guess now it would be, flip that coin!

[the coin is flipped]

Sango: Crap.

Aoshi: w00t.

Well, those two words say it all! The coin landed on heads! And Aoshi will coninue to the second round. Though, I think Sango shoulda gotten that--the pretty ones always lose, huh?

Shippou vs. Lust

It's Shippou vs. Lust! Can the inexperienced kitsune match up to this sexy babe? Not in my book. But if this Lust character does lose, I'd like to get her phone number so I can...er... interview her over dinner tonight...

Lust: This can almost be considered pointless...

Shippou: (transforms into a mushroom)

Oh, and Lust smacks Shippou with the back of her now-taloned hand! Wasting no time, she precedes to puncture the poor mushroom! The mushroom has turned white! Shippou has surrendered! And the match goes to Lust!

Al: That was a little overkill...

Ed: Ehehe...

Kikyou vs. Link

Kikyou: ...

Link: ...

Kikyou: ...

Link: ...

Kikyou: ...

Link: ...

What is this, a staring contest? Fight!

Kikyou: [shoots a spirit arrow at Link, Link explodes.]

Is that a foul? Did she kill him? The undead priestes, Kikyou, commited a heinous foul?! Though she is the tragic undead beauty, did she really commit such blatant foul play?

Ranma: I'd have to say...she's dead sexy.

Inuyasha: Har har har.

No, wait! Link exploded, but this is stuffing! It was...a Link plushie? There's a note inside! It reads, "I was going to participate in your tournament, but destiny calls and Ganondorf is still running amok. Hasta luega, looosahs! I got bigger fish to fry!"

Sakura: That's...rude.

Yugi: More importantly, Link can write? I didn't even know he could talk.

Ranma vs. Kyou

Ranma: I, Ranma Saotome, am going to kick your ass!

Kyou: Oh yeah? Well, we'll see about that! Bring it on, sissy boy!

[Ranma and Kyou launch into a series of martial arts moves that won't be explained here because that would be tedious for Kalliel to write out and it would enhance the reader's visual pleasure. And no one wants that, now do we? Peh.]

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let an announcer get out of the way! I'm innocent! And this is the first fight that actually starts without a stall! Ranma Saotome is the star martial arts champion in his hometown of... Saotomeland. He has had extensive training in all parts of Asia, including the infamous Jusenkyou springs! Infamous for what? Well well, we'll just have to have Mr. Saotome demonstrate the bone-chilling moves he learned there!

Ryouga: I don't believe I've been to this 'Saotomeland.'

Ranma: *skeptical* 'Bone-chilling,' eh?

Kyou: Hey! Pay attenion to me! Fight!

And Kyou Sohma has trained in the mountains of Japan with the legendary--er. Well, the somewhat well-known...er... well, he trained with someone, that's for sure.

Kyou: Why does everyone feel the need to ridicule me?!?! You'll paaaayyyyyy!

What's this? I just felt a drop! It's raining! A drop! Ahhh! It was a clear day! We'll have to cancel the rest of the tournament! Ahhh, no! The rain!!

Kalliel: Hey now. We're not canceling anything. Keep fighting. But, coincidentally, who made the rain?

Misty: Oh, Ryouga here advised me to practice, since my fight is next and all, and we started practicing Rain Dance.

Ranma: *glare* Ryouga! Damn you!

Sango: Is it just me, or is Ranma...

Miroku: Suddenly more attractive?

And in a stunning turn of events, Ranma Saotome has now become Ranko! Will he--er, she--be able to keep up this intensive fight even with this unusual circumstance?

Kyou: I can't fight a girl!

Ranma: I'm still a friggin' guy! It just look like a girl! I'm a guy I'm a guy I'm a guy! (lunges at Kyou furiously)

Aoshi: Say, he looks kinda like you now, Himura.

Kenshin: *not amused* This one does not think so...

Ooh, and Ranma slips on the now-wet inflatable stadium! Someone, catch her!

(Kyou catches Ranma in his arms without thinking)

*poof* And what's this? Kyou has transformed into a...cat?!

Kyou: Dammit, I thought you said you were a guy!

Kurama: The visual evidence would be conflicting...

Inuyasha: You're one to talk!

Ranma: C-cat? Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuughhhhhhhh!

Ranma is unable to battle! Victory goes to Kyou Sohma, the cat!

*on phone with Tohru* Shigure: Oh, Kyou transformed, huh? Well, I doubt we'll have to erase everyone's memories. There's enough oddballs with you two anyway. I'm sure there are things that are even stranger than someone poofing into a cat. *Hee hee*

Ryouga vs. Ed

Wow, Ryouga's here! Everybody, this is the legendary Ryouga! You see, two months ago he...[announcer degenerates into telling the life story of Ryouga]

Ed: I don't merit an introduction, huh? Well, we'll see how you call think after the battle's over! *claps hands together and transmutes his metal arm into a blade or whatever the hell he does*

Ryouga: A concealed weapon... Very clever, but you will not beat me! The only one who can defeat the great Ryouga is Ranma Saotome!!!!!!!! (Did I just say that???)

Ed: Dude, Ranma Saotome got beat by a small orange cat. I think you're off to a bad *lunges at Ryouga* start!

Ryouga: *blocks* Whatever magic your world can work, it pales in comparison to the horror of the Jusenkyou springs! I will not falter! Hoo ha!

Ed: *keeps hammering away* *jumps backward* Magic, huh? It makes me wonder what kind of dilapidated world you and Ranma come from; living in fear of some lame pools of water and turning into girls *falls back to avoid being punched by Ryouga* when you get wet!

Ryouga: *heh* I'll never let you see my disgraceful form.

Ed: What, not as pretty as Ranko-dear? *claps hands together again an creates a tremor through the earth, never mind the fact that it's inflatable rock*

Ryouga: Wak! *jumps to avoid the water now spurting out of the ground* Now look what you've done! You broke the water main! How're you going to fix that?!

Ed: Oh. Crap. Well, that'll have to come later. After getting rid of you! *runs through water and continues chasing after the mortified Ryouga*

Al: Brother, be careful! You don't want to cause more damage to the stadium than you already have! Brother! *sigh* He's not listening...

*Ryouga is sprayed with the water, finally. He was doing a good job of dodging, too...*

Ed: You're done f--you're a pig?!

Ranma: Yup, that's P-chan, alright.

Ryouga: *squee* (You think you're cursed with such indecencies, don't you? Well, you, Ranma Saotome are the one who ruined my life!!)

Ed: This has gotta be a joke. *threatens P-chan with automail-blade whatchamacallit* It's over.

Ryouga: *squee squee squee* (You have nothing to do with this! Begone! I must settle a long-running feud with the Saotome boy!)

And victory goes to Ed! Props, though, for Ryouga, who didn't get lost on the way to the match! An admirable feat!

Yugi vs. Li

Circumstances unclear. The video camera exploded. The victor? Whichever young man owned the the Winged Dragon of Ra at the time of dueling. I mean, fighting. No, dueling... No. Ah. Well, whoever owns the dragon, can you please pick it up from the parking lot? Its headlights are on. Thank you.

Miroku vs. Kaoru

Spock: I would like to make a point. This whole tournament is really quite illogical.

Kirk: Thank you for bringing that up, Mr. Spock. Now get out of my captain's chair. I'm the leader, and I say when things are illogical. But really, this whole tournament is quite illogical.

Mr. Spock: ...

Aaaanyhoo, on with the illogical tournament! It's now time for Miroku, the lecherous monk with questionable morals, and Kaoru, the Kamiya Sword-arts heir!

Miroku: I'm sorry, but I must make this quick! (As Kalliel is going to go eat lunch now before she starves to death and can't continue writing these...)

And Miroku starts of speedily, with a stop thrust! This particular move has won Miroku a second in sword-arts and later lost him the first! *pardon the obscure reference to Sabriel by Garth Nix* Oh, and Kaoru blocks with her bokken! Oh, nevermind. The bokken has broken! Kaoru is now weaponless!

Kaoru: Hey there, sexy. Wanna come down to the hospital basment with me tonight? You gotta let me win if you doooo...

Kenshin: Oro?!

Sango: What is she DOING?

Ash: I think that's called 'seducing' him.

Aoshi: Trying to hit at her opponent's weakness. An admirable strategy, but a flawed one.

Miroku: I'm sorry. I already have someone I want to ask to dinner tonight. *winks in Sango's direction*

Sango: *blush*

Lust (who is sitting next to Sango): I think he means me, girl.

Sango: Hmph! *hits Lust over the head with the Hiraikotsu.*

Oh, and Miroku takes this moment of confusion and brings down three valid hits on the Kamiya girl! Miroku wins!

Spock: Totally and completely illogical.

Naraku vs. Al

Master of deception, Naraku, the really evil guy from Inuyasha, vs. Alphonse Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist!

Ed: Why does everyone keep thinking that?! Pulverize him, Al!

Naraku: Ku ku ku...*everything goes dark*

WTF? All of the sudden it's pitch black! What is Naraku planning now?! All we can do now is...wait...and tell spooky ghost stories in the dark, of course. I'll start, okay everyone!

*unanimous groans*

I'll take that as an 'okay.' So, it goes like this... Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship, Enterprise; its five-year mission to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life, and new civilizations. To boldly go where no one has gone before!! Doo do do do doo do do....*Star Trek dance*

Misty, Envy, and Goku: Oh just give it a REST, will you?

*lights come back on*

Ranma: Oh sweet mother of virgin mercy, hallelujah!

Ed: ...Al?

This is an interesting sight. Al has been taken from the stadium! By default as the only party remaining on the field, victory goes to Naraku!

Ed: Interesting? My brother's GONE! How can you keep calm? Remember, he's the 'really evil guy' from Inuyasha!

Ash: Yeah! What he said!

Well, I'm just the announcer...I just have to make commentary on the battles and say who wins... I'm sorry that he's gone and all, but hey, maybe he went out for a drink! Hahaha!

Ed: *death glare*

Or not...

Ed: *remembering* Kagura: Want me to tell you something about Naraku? Kagura! That bitch! Where'd she run off to now?

Misty: She's preparing for her match with Ash!

I'm sure this will be all sorted out by Kalliel and Zora. Don't you worry!

Kalliel: No, seriously. Worry. I haven't the foggiest idea what's going on. We don't actually have...control over the people who come. In fact, we're paying the Inuyasha crew to come...

Ed: Oh for the love of...*sits down in frustration, muttering something about idiot webmistresses and 'stupid monkey...'

Aoshi: Disco Jesus...

Kaoru: ...What?

Aoshi: He said 'for the love of' and I finished his sentence with 'disco Jesus.' T'would have been a sentence fragment otherwise. *shrugs*

*unanimous stare*

Kenshin: This one believes that brainwashing of Aoshi has taken place...

Ash vs. Kagura

Ok, visitor Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town against the home team, Kagura! Ash has his trusty sidekick, Pikachu at his side, and they look determined and ready to win! Kagura looks...miffed.

Kagura: It's always me who ends up having to fight the stupid little child with fucking 'friendship morals' and pets. Just watch, I'll have to fight the "Heart of the Cards" kid next round.

Ash: Ready, Pikachu? (pika!) We're going to do it together! She's a flying type, so your Thunderbolt should be especially powerful!

Kagura: Flying...type?

Misty: Wow, Ash might just actually know what he's doing! I can't believe he already figured out her type! Though, I suppose the wind should be a dead giveaway...

Ash: Pikachu! Use Quick attack, and follow up with a Thunderbolt while you're still in the air!

Kagura: Not likely! Fuujin no Mai!

And Pikachu starts its headlong sprint towards the wind sorceress! But what's this? Kagura ignores the electric mouse and moves in straight for Ash! This could be the beginning of an upset!

Ash: Hey! You can't go for the trainer! Get away from me! Aahhhh!

Kenshin: This one would like to point out that the fight is 'Ash vs. Kagura,' not 'Pikachu vs. Kagura.' Your Pikachu would be considered a weapon, not the opponent, so Kagura has every right to attack you, and not Pikachu.

And Ash is sucked into the vortex that Kagura's well-placed (meaning, not shot at Ash directly) wind attack created! Up, up, and away he goes! The match goes to Kagura!

Misty: *sigh* It figures. At least I know that my opponent will be aiming for me. But they won't win! *stars sparkles yay*

Sailor Moon vs. Misty

And what do we have here? A tall blonde beauty and a scrawny little redhead?

Misty: Scrawny? Ok, that's the last straw! Starmie, Aurora Beam!

Sailor Moon: Ah! Ooh, Cold, eep! Stop stop stop!!!!

Luna (Sailor Moon's cat): Serena/Usagi! Use the crystal and transform already!

Sailor Moon (SM): *nods* Right! Moon Prism Power! *now she's Sailor Moon, officially* Stop right there! In the name of hope, justice, and really cool prizes, I shall punish you! Oh yeah, and in the name of the moon, too.

Misty: Riiiighht.

Kouga: Man, this is so friggin' boring.

Shippou: Yeah. Let's go get us some booze. I'll meet you at the loser's club in the basement of the hospital in half and hour.

Well, whatever. Two girls who no one cares about really isn't an interesting fight anyhow. And Kalliel's getting bored of writing these things and typing paragraph tags. Let's move on...to Inuyasha and Goku!

Inuyasha vs. Goku

Now, the moment you've all been waiting for--hometown favorite, Inuyasha, and visiting legend, Goku!

*virtual applause track*

Inuyasha: Yeah, because I'm gonna show the whole DBZ world that my show PWNs more than DBZ does.

Goku: Pah! Your show won't last half as long as my legacy has! DBZ in untopple-able!

Inuyasha: It shows on Cartoon Network! That's the pansy time block!

Goku: It's more honorable than that crappy excuse for a section, AdultSwim! Who stays up that friggin' late to watch a badly animated anime with no plot?

Fanta: : *pops in* Actually, the Goku/Cell fight was on at midnight... I wanted to watch it but couldn't...

Goku: : ... ...Well, it's still badly animated.

Inuyasha: Badly animated! DBZ invented badly animated!

Goku: No, our animation is just aged. Like fine wine. It's vintage.

Ash: Actually, I think Pokemon invented bad animation.

Envy: Lust, I think our show shows later on AdultSwim than Inuyasha does...*pouts* Does no one watch cute 'lil me?

Kenshin: This is beginning to become rather anti-climatic...*not to mention, of course, that Rurouni Kenshin also showed on Cartoon Network, along with DBZ...*

Inuyasha: Fine, then! Wind Scar!

Goku: Kamehameha!!!!!

Kagome and Shippou: Oh no! Goku's attack is stronger! Inuyasha, use your more powerful attack, the Kaze no Kizu!

Inuyasha: Isn't that the same thing as the Wind Scar?

Kagome: No, silly! Everything VIZ translates is watered down an utterly diluted! The Kaze no Kizu should be more powerful than that crappy Wind Scar dub!

Kurama: WTF is everyone talking about...

Inuyasha: I know! I'll just fast forward in time to where the Japanese anime ended! I had an uber-powerful attack then! I probably won't get that in America for another two years! Kongousouha!!!!!!!!

Aoshi: Using that man exclamation points in one sentence has got to be illegal somewhere.

well, there you have it, folks. Our anti-climatic climax with Goku and Inuyasha duking it out, English-dub style. We'd have to proclaim Inuyasha the winner of this one though, because Kamehameha has less letters in it than Kongousouha. And it isn't shiny. XD


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